Archive for January, 2015

For Uptown Eebony Browne

My November was spent writing a novel. My December was spent with holidays and volunteer projects. My January has been filled with more volunteer work and an over-shadowing foreboding sadness. I’ve felt a deep depression to the point of almost becoming 5150’d by my doctors a week ago and then today I lost another dear friend. A comedienne. A keeper of secrets and magic. A guardian of insights into our psyche. A light that once extinguished leaves the world a little less bright and a little more jaded.

My very good friend Mat told me just to keep writing. Keep writing to let it out; keep writing to keep sane. All I keep thinking about are the tears of a clown. No one has any idea what anyone else is going through. My hardships and your hardships are completely different and yet individually, they mean the world to us. They are the end-all be-all of our existence. Our troubles are the reason we try to sleep more and whatever small amount of happiness that we can find becomes the reason why we wake up in the morning.

There are so many perplexing things in this world. Why is my light allowed to continue on as dimly as I think it shines when someone else’s flame that is brighter than the sun can be extinguished in a moment? There must be some rhyme, some reason, as to why it all comes down to the moments we string together in this life.

Supernovas and standard candles – that’s all we are. Some are made to be constant whereas others are meant to be that spectacular, yet temporary, light show in the sky. The fact that death is the black hole we know nothing of and we try to live each day as though each ended at the event horizon, not knowing to where it leads but thinking that it could be our last. And what if it were? Are your affairs in order? Are mine? We don’t know what tomorrow brings. And yet we cling to abstract concepts like hope, peace, chance, wishes, prayers… love. When what we really should be clinging to is today, right now, everything in the world around us. Breathing in and out a thousand times. It’s in those thousand moments that occur in the here and the now, those are the moments that matter.

It’s knowing that even just today I am growing and have grown. I am bigger and better than I was yesterday, I am smaller and less knowledgeable than I will be tomorrow, yet even without tomorrow – right now – I am where I’m supposed to be. And I am trying to understand and accept that YOU are where YOU are supposed to be, whether that is in the space time we shared or if it is on an entirely different ethereal existence.

Rest in peace, Uptown. All my love.

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