I don’t know what’s been with me lately, but I’ve really jumped into this being 40 thing. I finally realized that I skipped the Adulting upgrades from 1.0 to 2.0 and most of the 3.0 upgrade. For whatever reason, Life just kept letting me pass and move forward like a poor kid falling through the cracks of the education system.
As can be referenced in my previous blog post “Option Paralysis,” my M.O. is pretty consistent in regards to my financial (and other stressful) problems. I stick my head in the sand like an ostrich and hope that in my ignoring of the problem that it will just go away. Of course, that’s not generally how things work. And for some reason I’m starting to take responsibility rather than running away.
It probably has something to do with the amount of support groups, therapy sessions and Step Work I’ve been working on for almost a year. October 22 will be my anniversary of Recovery work. Even though my sobriety is not as long lasting as the work I have put in, it’s ok. “Progress not perfection,” right? It doesn’t mean I haven’t learned some pretty incredible things. I’m in Step Four right now, which I’ve barely even begun and it’s brutal already. “One Day at a Time” is probably the most well-known slogan out there. I definitely have days like that; sometimes I have “one hour at a time” and even “One Minute at a time.” A lot of people do. I feel like I can’t even concentrate on someone’s three minute share sometimes. But that’s neither here nor there as this post is about my positive current experiences, not the rough road of Recovery.
I’ve noticed how I have had a more relaxed outlook on things; I’m not so uptight. But don’t mistake my kindness for weakness – I am more honest with others when I feel I need to say something and when I need to set boundaries for my own good. I’m less apt to let others take advantage of me and my vices. It’s probably like the slogan “Let Go and Let God,” although my Higher Power does not have the name “God.” But I understand and it’s not as difficult for me to substitute the word “God” with “Higher Power” as it was at the end of last year. Gratefully, I had some experience in another 12-Step program a few years ago that helped me identify what I understand my Higher Power to be.
One of the things I noticed on my first go round with the Twelve Steps was that they are great life lessons. Even if you don’t have an addiction, the philosophy behind the steps is valuable for anyone and everyone. Kind of like my oft-recommended literary favorite “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. I hear and learn things in “the rooms” that seep into my subconscious and some things are a bit less subtle; I can feel that I am changing inside and I’m really ready to embrace these changes, for once.
Yesterday, instead of ignoring the voicemail telling me to call Sprint for “an important notification about the status of [my] account” I listened to it and actually acted upon it. I owe so much money that I have no way of paying until the first of the month. I called and tried to see about what was possible for payment plans and it was indeed, an option. What a wonderful surprise! The other day I tried it with my bank as well. I had two insufficient funds fees leaving me with a -$5 balance. Of course being on a fixed income, that is devastating when I won’t be paid for another 2 weeks. Well, I called up the bank and explained my situation and wouldn’t you know it? They reversed not just one, but both of those fees and I was able to go to Ralph’s and buy some TV dinners. Good times. Both of these things would have had negative outcomes had I not asked. And like “they” say, the answer to any question you don’t ask is always going to be “no.”
I’m also taking my nutritional intake pretty seriously. I’ve lost about nine pounds in the last month or two. I walked my roommate’s bike to the shop yesterday to get the tires filled with air so I could start riding it. I need to find an excuse to get on it every day, just to incentivize myself to do so. I know I shouldn’t have to, but I also know myself. I have to take more responsibility for my actions (or lack thereof). It’s as though the big 4.0 came with a side order of “Grow the Fuck Up.” Frankly, I’m not sure how I feel about that, since I’m running the 4.0 on the 2.0 operating system. I just don’t feel old enough to be doing all this Adulting. Which is pretty ridiculous as most people I know (who are my age) are married with kids, and/or well into their career, if not straight up retired, by now. Not to mention the handful of them that have unfortunately even died. This is the year.
Point is, I’m pulling myself up by my bootstraps and finally starting to get my shit together. It’s about fucking time.