Are We There Yet?

Who’da thunk 21 accumulative days of 2 trips in one month would be such an exhausting vacation? I always feel like a need a vacation from my vacation. Is that everyone? Or do I just overdo everything I set before myself.

Texas was fun but short and also hectic. It’s so strange to have the perfect storm of anxiety, overwhelming socialization, not enough time and too many activities to cram into 5 days. Great seeing my friend and her husband that I haven’t seen since their wedding 2 years ago. And being introduced to the music of the live band they had, The Zydeco Dots, was awesome. I felt Creole down to my soul. [Note to self: Must go back to NOLA someday] I even got to play the accordion, which I didn’t know I could figure out so quickly.

One of the greatest things that happened though? I slept. I slept for hours on a floaty in my friends’ gorgeous pool, in the middle of the night with the stars overhead and nature all around me. I was the only one outside and it was glorious. Seems such a simple thing, that I’m surprised at how calming and unique the experience was.

I was back one day for two doctors’ appointments before it was off to LAX once again…

I knew there was a reason why I only planned to be home in New York for 6 days. It was my 20^th high School Reunion – the only reason I went back in the first place and it turned into a two week whirlwind adventure. Sadly, not nearly enough time was spent with old friends. Considering how much time I spent in New York and travelling, it almost seems all for naught over a four hour party where half the people I couldn’t place to save me life. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning and work our way winding to and fro.

As the door was closing on my plane from Los Angeles, before we’ve even gotten the announcement to turn off all electronic devices, I received a text from Southwest Airlines informing me that the next leg of my flight from Atlanta to LaGuardia has been cancelled. I asked the flight attendant what that meant since I have never had that happen before and she asked me if I wanted to get off the plane. I declined as she had no helpful information other than going to the kiosk at C16 when we arrived in Atlanta and ask what was up with the cancellation. I slept for shit on the plane and having stayed up all night out of trip anxiety which is all too common for me I was miserable and in pain from my Fibromyalgia and god only knows what other maladies lurking around the dark corners of my mind. When I got to Atlanta, “C16” informed me of a huge storm in NYC and that not just mine, but ALL flights into LaGuardia had been cancelled and everyone and their brother was getting replacement flights. There was no way for me to get even close to the city within the next 24 hours and I stumbled around for a couple hours trying to figure out what to do and where I could go and how I would get to NY once I got there. I thought about Boston where another classmate going to the Reunion lived but unfortunately she had already gotten to New York to be with her family. I then thought about going to Louisville, KY to visit an old Navy friend of mine, but she had to work and was unable to get out of it with such short notice. My last thought was Baltimore. I knew another high school buddy who either lived in Baltimore of Washington DC (couldn’t remember at the time) might be able to pick me up and drop me back off at the airport the next day. I had already talked to her a few weeks prior about going to the Reunion and she said she probably wouldn’t go, as her family had planned a trip to Myrtle Beach at the same time frame.

When I reached her she said that she would of course pick me up but why not just head up with her two mornings later as she was driving up for the Reunion. I was thrilled that she was going to be able to make it and thought what a perfect opportunity to see her family I hadn’t seen in years. She had to work the next day so I would have the whole day to myself and I had an “A-ha” moment. What if I drove her to work and then borrowed her car to drive to Richmond, VA (which wasn’t all that far away) to see family that I hadn’t seen since late fall of 2000 when I got out of the Navy. As luck would have it that idea had even better merit when she told me she was working in Fredericksburg, VA almost half way to Richmond and of course I could borrow her car. I was elated.

I got to see my cousins and their children, my aunt and uncle, and my grandfather on my father’s side. It was wonderful! I even sat down and went over some Ancestry.com entries with them, as that is a huge hobby of mine.

The next day my friend and I drove up to Upstate New York just in time for the reunion and my nerves were shot. I was so scared/nervous/paranoid about my swiss-cheesery brain not remembering people I knew I should. Within a couple hours my anxiety was ebbing and I felt like I was finally getting into the groove of the evening just as it was winding down. But of course. I know that the feelings I felt that night will have to be dissected with my therapist later this week. Insecurities and all… Maybe I need to up my meds. Just sayin’. At least it wasn’t nearly as bad as I was fearing; Grosse Point Blank and Romy & Michelle weren’t the best study guides. Facebook on the other hand, helped greatly. Interacting with old friends and looking at their photos, getting to re-know them and learn of their families is one of the only reasons that I felt comfortable around them at all.

Two days later I was at a huge family Pig Roast and saw nearly my entire living family plus some on my step-father’s side. Some of them I had not seen in 15-20 years. It reminded me of younger days when we would gather at one of their houses for Thanksgiving or when we would sit around a large room and do our white elephant present game at Christmas. It’s nostalgic memories such as this that I need help controlling. I feel as though I live in the past. Not only that I live there, but that I dwell on the feelings I had there and then and I create this sense of longing and yearning for days that will never be again.

I got to see more friends and family over the next few days and it was overwhelmingly wonderful and oh so close to being too much of a good thing. As I write this in the quiet of my apartment, I realize other than going out for small necessities, I have basically hermited myself away and truly enjoy being a home-body and continuing my watching schedule of The Twilight Zone and House, M.D.

I have started drawing again, which is great. And writing – evidently. I need to also work on some stand-up and get back into doing mics. Much like not working out I notice the longer I go without doing it, the less likely I am to keep doing it.

Some of this might seem a bit rambling, not to mention a bit long, but nobody said a blog about Depression, Anxiety, Fibromyalgia, Tension headaches and the like would always be full of unicorns and glitter. Although I do like Unicorns. And glitter.

…oh look! A butterfly!

The Road Trip

As anyone with Anxiety, Depression, or frankly, active brain waves knows, it’s good to have someone you can trust that you can talk to about anything. Among those I consider in my life – my psychiatrist, a man I trust beyond words who, other than diagnostically speaking, doesn’t judge me. I can be completely honest without fear of being alienated due to my unfiltered verbal regurgitation.

I value his sessions so much that even though I’ve moved to Los Angeles, I still go down to the San Diego VA (Veterans’ Affairs) just to see him. I had an appointment just the other day. I had almost not gone due to how piss-poor I’ve been feeling these last few weeks and seriously considered a phone call to him instead. Thankfully as the appointment drew near I’d been feeling better and made the trek. I spent two hours and forty minutes driving and I just made it on time. We had one of the most productive sessions to date and I even told my doctor about starting a blog. He is very supportive of my efforts.

My last trip to San Diego I mentioned to people too late and no one could hang out; this trip I thought ahead and had plans to see one of my friends and his family and then dinner with a few old teammate’s of mine (I used to play Women’s Pro Football – but that’s a different story). I wound up not having much time before getting to dinner and my friend had to get his exercise in before the evening was out so we went for a walk with one of his sons and caught up on the last few months. Low and behold, forty-five minutes and 1.8 miles later it was time to go. My ankles had been hurting since about half way, my legs were relatively on fire with the onset of circulation in them for once and I hadn’t eaten anything all day. Not the best way to take care of a chronic pain/headache/mental condition such as I have, but I like to live dangerously.

Off to the sports bar to see two of my dear friends and finally get something in my tummy; I ordered a huge greasy bacon burger (no tomatoes, no onions, medium rare as usual) with a side of tater-tots. Tater-tots always remind me of high school lunch, cracked plastic green trays, sporks and pints of chocolate milk (sometimes 2%, depends). Maybe it’s just me.

It was a great time and it’s moments like these that remind me that even in my darkest times, solitary confinement is not the best idea. It’s always hard when you’re in the thick of it to remember the good things and hold onto them.

By the time we wrapped up it was about 9pm and I was dreading the two hour plus ride home to Los Angeles. I decided since I was in the area and it was only about ten minutes out of the way, I’d hit up my old stomping grounds at The La Jolla Comedy Store. I got to see most of my friends there and had some great laughs. While I was there I realized I was starting to have a Fibromyalgia flare-up. This is when, instead of this or that hurting and the pain going from here to there throughout the day, it’s in multiple areas at once and it just won’t go away. The longer the pain goes on the more distracted and irritable I become. My arms were aching something terrible and the pain started to make my whole torso feel like I’d been hit by a train. I tried to stave off the pain with light-hearted conversation with my friends and continued to fidget over the next hour or so. As they were closing I decided to hit the road.

Since it was only about 10:30 I figured that by the time I made it up to L.A. that The World Famous Comedy Store on Sunset would still be open. It would be fun to hit up my new favorite spot as well as the old in the same night despite how I was feeling; it was relatively on the way back home, so why not? The drive back was shorter, just over two hours and I pulled up to the Store at around 12:30am. My hips were killing me from all the time in the car but I was happy to be there and enjoying more laughs. A few hours there and I was home by 3am.

Boy, did I pay for the prior day’s shenanigans. I couldn’t get out of bed until at least 1:30 in the afternoon and even then, I was a zombie. If it wasn’t for my too-smart-for-her-own-good dog, who has the wherewithal to let me know when she has to go out, I may not have gotten out of bed that day at all. I’m quite sure I only had some instant oatmeal and stared at the TV for an hour before deciding to go back to bed. I slept on and off for several more hours and finally had some strength by 6:30-7:00pm that night.

This is part of my many ongoing problems. I throw my circadian cycle off by having fun into the wee hours, or by being in pain or having racing thoughts and being unable to sleep so I toss and turn for hours. I’d rather do it by having fun, but the results are generally the same. Bedtime gets later and later. Wake time gets later and later. Afternoon naps come into play and nutrition, amongst other things, goes to the wayside.

Although easier said than done, I need to take better care of myself, that’s really all there is to it. I need to force myself into a routine and even if I maintain late nights I have to get up by a certain time and work – work hard – at taking care of myself. It’s not that I can’t try to live a full and fun-filled life, it’s that I have to work on making it healthier and more manageable. I need consistency in my life. Moreover, it’s a matter of having indifference for myself and daily – struggling against it.